"Tea with sack!"

I'm going to try to stay up and study tonight, so I may drink this "Java Monster" tea/energy drink that I bought at the Seven Eleven this weekend. The drink is called "Chai Hai" ("Hey" back at you, Chai!), and it's being marketed under the brand "Java Monster."

I've never quite gotten the "Monster" thing, but throughout college, my energy drink of desperation was the Monster Khaos, which is 50% juice (so er... obviously good for you). I'm not sure how well it worked, but I remember drinking a few of them during my senior year.

Having thought about genetics so much, I'm pretty much getting delusional at this point. I just got off of the phone with Nina, and I was laughing hysterically (broad ligament rumble!). Anyway, I have a feeling that this drink isn't going to make me much better given that the following paragraph is the actual marketing pitch for the drink--seriously:

HELL YES! Monster can do tea.

Not that powered junk or
the latest New Ave cure-all.
Not the tea that the Queen has
with her crumpets or the tea
little girls have with make
believe friends.

Chai Hai (tm) [HEY HEY HEY!] is more like the tea
guards drink in Turkish Prison--
Tea with sack not bags! [emphasis mine]

Imported tea, real cream,
Monster's spice and energy
blend... Guaranteed to
stoke the fires within!

Ok, where to start... first of all, what the hell is "tea with sack?" I guess "tea with scrotum" or "tea with labia majora" weren't as catchy. Am I supposed to be happy that my beverage has testicles? The masculinity is just oozing out of its SRY region. [insert guttural grunt and a chest bump]

Also, should I know what "Turkish Prison" is like? It doesn't sound like a very nice place, and I'm not sure that want to visit, quite honestly. Yeah, I think that I'll pass.

So the bottom line: I'm uncertain that drink will be as effective as that chocolate croissant from yesterday, but I guess it's worth a try...